Am I really enough?: Living life on the verge of doubt and learning to dive in deep anyway

_MG_4198

Early morning design drafts and posting videos.

“Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about how we are, where we’re from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it’s just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles).” -Brené Brown The Gifts of Imperfection

In May 2015 we decided that I was going to quit my job.

I had spent 3 years teaching in CPS (Chicago Public Schools) as a High School English and Drama teacher, and I absolutely hated most of it.

When I talked it over with Dennis, pondering to myself what I might do with an Education and Acting degree when I no longer wanted to teach or act, he suggested that I come work with him at D’Flo Productions.

The issue? Well, in my mind, there were a few:

  1. I did not go to school for business management, marketing, graphic design, or film editing. I had zero training for this new job.
  2. There were a whole host of people who I thought would be disappointed that I quit teaching.
  3. I also had no idea how to explain my new job to people. (I still don’t exactly know how to do this).

To be perfectly honest, this entire year so far–from June 2015 until today– has been one huge trial and error process, and it’s scary to admit that to people.

The question “Am I enough?” posed in Dennis’ song entitled All I have to Give really hits home during this season. 

You can listen to the song on SoundCloud, but let me share with you some of the most meaningful (to me) lyrics:

Doubt: it’s creeping beneath my skin, eating the outside in,

into a fear that I have never known…

This is all I have to give? Is it enough? Am I enough?

What I have learned so far with living life as a full-time artist is that doubt kills creativity and breeds a crippling kind of fear that doesn’t allow me to get any work done.

Each time I sit down with my paints, or with Adobe Illustrator, stand behind the camera, or hover over the “publish” button,  I ask this question: “Is it enough?“.

And then I ask, “Am I enough?” Because, like most human beings, my identity and self-worth often gets tangled up in my work.

 

Since June, I have gotten much better at describing what I do for a living. Heck, since this past Thanksgiving, things have gotten a lot clearer.

_MG_4205

Baking the hand painted “I am Enough” mug for the Instagram #DFloProGiveAway for Feb. 2016.

But there are days when I question all that I’m doing. There are days when it takes me longer than I think it should to complete a Photoshop edit, or when my well-meaning and wonderful mom calls and mentions that I should reconsider teaching in another district. There are days when the fear of failure or judgement from others makes me too doubtful to even start a project. There are days when I wonder if what I have to offer will ever be enough to make our career grow in the ways we want it to.

What I have come to find is actually something seemingly different than the song describes on the surface:

I am not enough. 

I cannot hope to be enough for all the things I have on my plate. All I have to give is just not enough on it’s own. The key is this little line in the song:

All through You, Jesus…”.

Dennis and I can have productive business meetings, and I’ll still feel directionless.

We can come up with great promotional ideas, and I’ll still be scared to put them into action.

I can get really really good at photoshop, and I’ll still doubt my artwork and photography skills.

He can write the most innovative song in the world, and we’ll still wonder if people really like it.

It will never be enough… without Jesus. 

“Such confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:4-6 ESV

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

 

My sufficiency– my “enoughness”– comes from Jesus.

And as I share this with you all, my honest vulnerability allows me to acknowledge my own limitations and weakness and doubt so that I can lean on His grace and His guidance.

This is the only way I can dive in deep with my art and work.

This is the only way I have the confidence to do that.

I know that this is what Dennis means in his song when he sings “I am enough. All through You, Jesus.” And I know that he goes through the same struggles about his work and it’s meaning and influence.

Getting ready to track yo!

Dennis at the recording studio in Seattle.

Sometimes it’s hard for him to hit record, or to step out onto that stage, or to have the confidence to share a new guitar lick he’s been working on. At the beginning of our time working together, he even mentioned being nervous to practice singing in his office, knowing that I was in the house and would hear him.

This is something that we all struggle with.

But not all of us turn to where–or rather, who— we need to in order to receive the confidence in our work and selves that we so desire.

When you listen to Dennis’ song, or look at my “I am Enough” designs, I pray that you will remember that little line in the song that acknowledges where our “Enoughness” really comes from.

And I hope you’ll see that when you choose to be vulnerable, even with just yourself, your strength can made perfect in that weakness. Then you can dive in deep anyway.

Cheers,

Claire Margaret

Did You Miss Us?: Wrapping up the Summer

From the desk/sound board/smoothie bar of Dennis Florine:

Summer is just about done, but we’ve still got big things plans for D’Flo Productions.

In July, we updated you that the production team’s workforce was doubled when the wife started working with me. We also informed you about the songs I got to write for the commercial I recently filmed in Mexico. While the footage is not yet available, I can show you the other tunes I composed here. Take a listen and see what you think!

A few weeks ago we had a great trip to Davenport, IA for a couple of shows at Kilkenny’s Pub and Grill. Kilkenny’s is always one of our favorite stops in Iowa, and we had a blast hang’n with old fans, and even got to see some family on our stay. You can check out our Flo’s Friday Flick for an average ‘day-in-the-life’ during our stay in Davenport here.

Another exciting thing that this summer held for D’Flo Productions was a photo shoot with Becky Poynter. We’ve been working with her as our photographer and editor for about 6 years, and she even did our wedding photos! She’s a progressive artist that is always working on and perfecting her craft, so check out her website if you ever need a good photographer. Photos will be updated on this site soon.

In other news, D’Flo productions also took a much needed vacation from the city and will be with the rest of the fam in the Colorado wilderness. Now we’re back from that and back to work!

If you would like to receive even more detailed updates from us and exclusive offers, please sign up for our mailing list! We’ll even through in a freebie for you if you do it now! Click the link to our website and be ready with your email and zipcode for the popup. The free download code will be emailed to you.

Have a great week!

-Dennis Florine and D’Flo Productions Management

FLORINE’S FAVORITE FINDS
-Randolph Street Market: really cool Chicago street fest with live music, vintage clothes, ethnic jewelry, and incredible food vendors! They will have some dates left this season, so go check it out!

-POUND: Claire recently just became a certified instructor in this rock-out workout that involves drumming, Pilates, and dance in a cool new way to exercise! I don’t think this means she’ll become my drummer, but it’s still pretty cool and she loves it. Find the nearest POUND class near you.

-Revolution Brewery- I recently became a member at this Chicago brewery; my favorite is by far Anti-Hero, and I will definitely be bringing a growler of this brew to share with my Colorado family members. Check it out!

July Greetings and Updates!

Greetings from the desk/studio/coffee bar of D’Flo Productions,

Hope you enjoyed your 4th of July! I spent it with my fam, eating lots of guacamole and setting off—I mean, watching fireworks. Life back on the proverbial “ranch” has been amazing; June proved to be the most eclectic month so far this year!

To begin, my wife Claire just left her job at Chicago Public Schools.  I am elated to announce that she will be working with me full time!  We’re expecting epic, comic-book-worthy adventures to come of this union, and can’t wait to share them with you.

Apart from doubling our workforce, June has been pretty crazy for D’Flo Productions!  I recently finished up an extensive commercial shoot in Mexico.  My co-star Anne Acker and I were on set for a week, shooting over 25 commercials for travel company, whose identity I am not yet at liberty to unveil (top secret spy business—you understand).

The company also asked me to write, produce, and record the music that will underscore the commercials!  I had a crazy 6-day writing and recording process where I composed 3 songs, recorded them, and mixed them for client approval.  I had to pull 2 all-nighters over these 6 days to meet the deadline; it was an adventure to say the least, but I am happy to say that the final song has turned out beautifully.  We’ll be posting links to the videos and the final track when they are released later this summer, but until then you can check out the other two mixes I submitted here.

Be on the lookout for a new youtube vlog this Friday! We’ll be posting on here quite a bit, and I’m excited to share some new ideas and songs with you here.

Have a wonderful July my friends, and thanks for all of your support,

-Dennis Florine + Mgmt
D’Flo Productions

Rockin’ the Roles

imageClaire here– Dennis and I are both writers, but we both agree he’s more of the lyrics and music writer and I’m more of the blogger, so we decided to, as in most marriages, assign some roles around this joint!

There comes a time in marriage, at least ones which function efficiently, when you need to divide and conquer, as they say. Many people do this in many different ways, and I’m sure many of you expect me to say that there is no right way of doing it. But I would be lying to you if I said that.

I would liken it to a band (since this is a music site after all!). You wouldn’t want your bassist to sing if your bassist totally sucks at singing, and you wouldn’t want your lead guitarist to play percussion if he has no rhythm. God gave them specific gifts, which, with practice, they developed into talents that are unique to them. We don’t just randomly draw straws to see who gets to be the lead singer for the day. We have roles, and most of the time we stick to them. This doesn’t however, mean that the drummer can’t occasionally play the keyboard for that one acoustic song and it doesn’t mean the bassist can’t sing a little back up vocals (unless he sucks…). The band, in order to function as a team, needs flexible structure. Structured flexibility. Whichever floats your boat.

In the same way, marriage also thrives on structured flexibility (that’s the one that floats my boat). God gave women in general some pretty amazing gifts, but he also gave me specifically some unique ones. Just as men have common strengths and Dennis has specific ones which are unique to him. There is a reason why women give birth and not men. There is a reason why men have naturally stronger desires to lift heavy weights and kill things. There is also a reason why I am very organized and prone to decorating the house where as Dennis leaves his clothes lying on the floor. At the same time, there is a reason why Dennis is very good with budgeting money and I am very good at spending it. A lot of it. God designed men and women this way so we would be balanced and so we would learn from one another. And there is no doubt in my mind that God designed Dennis and I the way we are so we would balance each other out.

Now, some may tell you that gender is simply an imposed societal norm which is limiting and wrong and that we should rebel against it by being super angry feminists. And to be honest, a few years ago I would be one of those people. But this simply is not true. If it were, we wouldn’t look differently, we wouldn’t have different… parts, if you know what I mean, and we wouldn’t have different natural instincts that have been around before media and even society as we know it today existed.

However, I am not suggesting that we peg ourselves in as stereotypes as soon as we say “I do”. If I thought that, I probably would not enjoy my marriage very much.

I am not the typical housewife who wears an apron, curls her hair, and puts on pearls just before serving dinner to her husband who wears a tie and reads the newspaper. Heck no! I heavily rely on crockpots to cook meals while I’m at work teaching kids, and my husband is usually playing guitar around the house in his bare feet when he’s not on the road playing shows (still with bare feet), or at the studio producing or mixing something, or out kicking butt at some audition or commercial shoot (probably not with bare feet… but I suppose it’s a possibility). Although he does wear ties and I do like pearls…

My point is this: It took a while to assign our roles, and we’re still in the midst of figuring out what that looks like, but it is something that we’ve grown to find important.

Since Dennis’s new album, “Diggin’ Into Grace” is being mastered as we speak (that’s musician code for “being made radio-ready”), and since said album is mostly about marriage, I thought I’d give you a little introduction on the subject. And also introduce my new role in this whole project.

And that role would be..?

I’m a wife. I’m a cheerleader. I’m a song critic at times, but mostly just a song listener. I’m a blogger, merchandise brainstormer and creator and seller, inventory taker, album art artist, photographer and videographer. I pack lunches for the road and burn CDs, I inspire songs and sometimes help with lyrics. I do all of those things, but mostly I’m a helper. Because in my first job, my job as wife, the helper is implied.

When God wanted to make Eve for Adam He said: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner.” And upon seeing his new wife, Adam replied, “this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”.

I love that Adam says “at last”, as if he had been absolutely begging God to give him a woman!

God made Eve to be the perfect helper to her Adam, and I truly believe God made me to be the perfect helper to my Dennis.

When Dennis tells me about the progress of this album or about a success on an audition he speaks as if we share the victory. He’ll say “Babe, we booked the commercial!”, or “Our album is sent off to be mastered today”. This is because what Adam said so long ago is still true today. We are of the same flesh and bone. His victories are my victories. My failures are his failures. We are like the band who just started off, practicing in our different roles, but playing the music together as one.

And so too, my blogposts are his blogposts. So I guess I’ll sign out with love as….

-Claire and Dennis